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Package Goblins Devouring Critmas Gifts, Gift-givers, Delivery Personnel


Each Critmas, wary-eyed neighborhoods stay vigilant in their deterrence of the Package Goblins that devour gifts right off the doorstep.


The goblins are also responsible for the disappearances of the people who place those packages on those doorsteps - loved ones and innocent delivery persons alike.


"I placed a tin of fruitcake on Mrs. Larsson's porch with my husband," said Mrs. (now Ms.) Edwina Alloy. "I turned my back for just a moment, and when I came back they were both gone - the only evidence they were there was the ribbon from the tin and Edgar's left shoe."


Package Goblins are extraordinarily swift, perhaps fueled by the post-Thanksgiving leftovers of cranberry sauce and stuffing. The sugar and carbs intoxicate the energy centers of the goblins' brains, explain local druids, and the spike in hyperactivity results in a direct increase in mischief, thievery and spousal consumption.


Amazon Prime delivery drivers across the multiverse have been supplied with additional self-protection methods, including but not limited to clubs, enchanted wands, maces and MACE. In 2018 alone no fewer than 35 Prime drivers were either late to destinations or consumed whole because of Package Goblins.


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